4th week of psychotherapy

If you have read my story "The Incurable Weight of Love" then you will know I have been through several psychotherapies without success. In fact, quite the opposite. Psychotherapy made things worse. So why do it again?

Good question to which I probably don't have a suitable answer. In part, it is because the state health system doesn't pay for more suitable therapies that treat complex PTSD. Even though there is the likelihood that some of the more suited alternatives would most likely cost the state health system far less. Stupid, I know, but that is how systems work. They complain about the high costs but have such rigid and ineffectual regulations that bind them not only to high costs but to the almost certainty that patients will end up returning to the same therapy of high costs. Someone is getting rich from this, others might keep themselves in employment!

Despite doubts, I still gave classical psychotherapy another chance. Partly because it was the only option, but also because I had just completed three years of self-therapy, during which I not only gained much insights but also made excellent progress. Yet, there is a limit to what you can achieve on your own when it concerns interpersonal relationships.

Deep fear of people had started very early in childhood and consequently I had lived my whole life trapped in this fear. Naturally, in time, I learnt ways of having limited contact with other people, but this was exceptionally restricted by the fear. Although this, of course, happened, functioned at the subconscious level. At the level of not really understanding what or why this was happening. Usually blaming one of the many learnt responses. Such as the sense of shame, guilt, ugliness, failure, stupidity, and the likes.

Writing "The Incurable Weight of Love" and doing three years of self-therapy gave me both much insight and enabled me to break through some of these old fears and responses. Going into the psychotherapy was an attempt to further strengthen gains made during the three years, although I knew that the psychotherapy was not really suited and might bring no further gains. However, I considered the risk was worth taking since I felt able to protect myself from therapy having the same extremely adverse effects as it had in the past. At least I hoped!